New Beginnings

Toronto: It's Really Home (almost)
I can't believe I've been moved into my place in Toronto for a month now! Yesterday was September first, and after two years out of school, I'm thrilled to be returning to student life for a PhD at the University of Toronto! Once DH is back here with me--inshallah in a year or so--it will REALLY feel like home again :)

West-facing view from my balcony. 

My sister came and visited for most of last week, and we had a fun last week of summer shopping, going to the movies, Starbucks dates, baking, and enjoying the *hot* weather. Yep--Toronto feels HOT to me rather than cold like when I first moved back in the middle of a July heatwave! I guess my body has adapted to the weather here. Let's just see what fall and winter do to me though!

Cineplex Movies!

Starbucks love!

Welcome to the Department of English!
Last week, I had my first official meeting with the Associate Director of my department for course advising. I am really excited at the great selection of courses being offered in my field--early modern and restoration drama--and can't wait to hit the books!

U of T: Varsity Stadium

I spent a couple of weeks fine tuning my funding applications for next year's competition (U of T's graduate students must apply annually for prestigious external awards; these look excellent on a CV, and don't hurt the bank, either!). I am pretty content with my dissertation proposal--for now! I'm always coming up with new twists and turns on my project, and it's an exciting thing to see my ideas evolve over the years (I worked on a more condensed version of my proposed PhD dissertation during my master's degree in 2010).

Freedom!!!
I've been really and truly enjoying the freedom that comes with living in Canada, and so close to the subway / public transit. In fact, my building is literally ten steps from a subway station, and it's super easy to get around. I can walk to 98% of the places I need to go, and if I want to get anywhere really fast, transit is at my doorstep.

There's also SO much to do here, especially during the summer. I went with a friend to see The Taming of the Shrew in High Park a couple of weeks ago, and the Canadian National Exhibition was on throughout the past couple of weeks, too, culminating in this weekend's airshow with the Snowbirds--from my balcony, I could see the beautiful planes flying in perfect formation! (photo below)

The Snowbirds at the 2013 CNE!

Shakespeare in High Park

More Shakespeare: The Taming of the Shrew

TTC Subway: Clean and Convenient!

As much as I often tried to "argue" that Saudi Arabia wasn't necessarily limiting--especially for women--Toronto is a completely different world! As a woman, I wasn't permitted drive in Saudi Arabia, and that was a BIG deal. If a woman can't drive in Toronto, it barely has any implications--there are many, many reliable and fast options from the subway, buses, streetcars, commuter trains, etc, etc. In Saudi, though--or at least in Jeddah--there is no transit system to speak of (sure, there are random buses that take male workers from their construction sites to their lodging, but not anything a WOMAN can rely on!), and this is particularly constraining for the country's female population.

Where I lived and worked, I was constantly surrounded by a juxtaposition of people: girls and women from Jeddah / Saudi Arabia's wealthiest families who had their own BMWs (many girls did!), with drivers to boot...and, on the other hand, extreme poverty at every stoplight with women (often carrying babies) begging for money. While not every student had the luxury of her own driver, probably close to 75% of the girls in my university had their own drivers. By contrast, the Saudi / Arab women in my neighbourhood often relied on their sons, husbands and brothers to take them around. Others--whose husbands permitted it--took taxis...which, yes, I ventured out to do myself a number of times, but is not the most comfortable or pampering experience! Toronto's subways are a MUCH cleaner and fresher, not to mention more convenient, experience than a Jeddah cab!!!

Sunset in Jeddah

All of this said, I am looking forward to my trip to Jeddah in December. Of course I can't wait to see DH, but I'm also interested to see how I'll react to the very different world after having been immersed back in Toronto for, by then, six months!

Reverse Culture Shock?
When I was at U of T last week, I stopped in to say hello to the director of my graduate program, Dr. "M". I'd spoken to her over the phone a few times with questions about funding, courses, and the program when I was still in Jeddah, and she was interested to see how I've been settling back in here. I hadn't thought much about "reverse culture shock," but I suppose I've experienced--and am still going through--a bit of it.

Don't forget your abaya!!

Most notably, I often feel "naked" leaving my house without my abaya! Two years of wearing one and a head scarf definitely make covering almost second nature! When my sister was visiting, we went to Toni and Guy for haircuts. In Saudi, hair salons are, of course, segregated, so when you enter, there's an attendant who takes your abaya and gives you a number before she helps you into the salon coat. Needless to say, upon leaving Toni and Guy the other day, I was a bit kerfuffled when I paid, and then started looking around for my abaya! I felt I was missing something important without my covering! I quickly realized that, yes, my sweater and pants were all that I'd entered the salon wearing, and I wasn't missing anything (apart from an umbrella!) upon leaving.

Toni&Guy
Source: http://toniguytoronto.com/

I mentioned to Dr. "M" that surprisingly the most intense culture shock I've experienced was when I went to Kuwait in March 2012 to visit a friend. As soon as I stepped out of the airport, I was completely taken aback by all the WOMEN driving by!!! I suppose that since Kuwait is only an hour and a half flight from Jeddah that I hadn't braced myself for ANY difference. But Kuwait and Saudi are most definitely different (as someone told me before I decided to move to Saudi, warning me that I couldn't visit Kuwait and assume Saudi would be the same...or even similar).

When I arrived with my friend to her apartment, I was even more taken aback when, upon entering the elevator, she struck up conversation with a male neighbour! I literally (silently) panicked, wondering what would come of such mixed-gendered communication--and in public to boot! Again, I suppose that since Kuwait is in such close proximity to Saudi, I hadn't been expecting that this more "Western" girl / guy communication would be tolerated there.

Elevator talk?

Men, men, men!
After two weeks in Toronto, I had an experience where I was suddenly hit with how far I'd been kept from the opposite sex all that time abroad (apart from DH, of course!). I worked with all women, socialized with only women, volunteered with women, taught women in the university all day, and covered and kept a distance from everyone else.

When my friend L's boyfriend texted me a couple of weeks ago, I was accordingly surprised. A guy texting me?? What was he up to? (In Saudi, if a GUY texts or calls a woman and it's not business related, something is DEFINITELY up. It could only end in TROUBLE!) Well, it ended up that L's boyfriend, who works for the University of Toronto, was calling with an awesome opportunity for me to be involved with the "Boundless" campaign. U of T has been running this movement to raise $2 billion for the university's expansion and better graduate and research funding. "J," I'll call him, was asking whether I'd be free to be interviewed on camera for the campaign. What a neat opportunity! I said yes, and gave him more information about my program and the university's generous funding, and his boss okay-ed my participation.

The U of T "Boundless" Campaign
Source; http://boundless.utoronto.ca/

Filming on campus!

It was a great afternoon being filmed, and I felt like a celebrity in front of the camera, although afterwards, after only one hour of filming, I vowed that I never EVER want to be an actress! I have a new-found respect for the hard and tedious work that celebrity actors and actresses do all day filming. (NB: Another interesting thing? Feeling REALLY shy about taking pictures with PEOPLE in them! In Saudi, it's a big no-no if you don't want to offend people--especially women! So, my apologies for no "action" shots of the filming.)

The point of this story--which has kind of turned into a tangent--is that that afternoon, I was working with all men. It felt so incredibly odd! The cameraman was a guy, as were the directors, the lighting crew, the sound technician, and the others on set. I grew up with four brothers before my sister was born, and it kind of reminded me of that. But still, I couldn't escape the thought that in Saudi Arabia, this probably wouldn't fly! There, there would likely be women trained in most of these positions, setting the cameras and lighting up, etc, etc... Or else the women involved (definitely not just ONE woman alone with all these men!) would be covered in their abayas and hijabs. Again, I felt a bit naked wearing "only" my blazer and pants.

Boundless!

Settling Back In
Despite all these differences, I feel more or less settled back into my old life here in Toronto. My cat, Oreo, is now back with me; he stayed with my mom's aunt for a year. It's nice to have my little fur ball around again, especially in DH's absence.

Oreo--could you grab me that book, please?

I'm looking forward to orientation meetings this week, and to meeting my new PhD colleagues in my department. It should be a whirlwind week coming up, and before I know it, I'll be back to the usual work, work, work! Though this week has been nice and quiet--I definitely needed the down time after TWO big, stressful moves--from Saudi to my parents' and then the suburbs to Toronto--working hard is what I love, especially when it's academics!

Here's to a new beginning, which is what the wonderful autumn is all about!

PS: I just noticed that the blog now has over 10, 000 hits!!! THANK YOU to all my family, friends and loyal readers for your support for and interest in my adventures! :)

The University of Toronto: Convocation Hall & the CN Tower

What We Wear...

Clothes...

I was just on an online forum, and a discussion was going on about how women "should" dress. Naturally, a debate ensued! Are women solely responsible for how men see them? Must we dress a certain way to protect ourselves? Are men responsible for their gazes regardless of how we choose to clothe ourselves? A friend posted this article, http://becomingkindred.com/blog/2013/6/9/a-letter-to-the-designers-of-this-seasons-childs-bathing-suits, a letter from a mother of a five-year-old girl. She complains about how little girls' clothing sexualizes girls at a far-too-young age, and pleads with manufacturers and designers that all she wants in a child's bathing suit is for her daughter to be able to "play freely in the sand with joyous abandon this summer and I’d love to see her clothed in a way that allows her to do that."

Photo Credit: http://becomingkindred.com/blog/2013/6/9/a-letter-to-the-designers-of-this-seasons-childs-bathing-suits

This article sparked some intense conversation about how women SHOULD dress, and how accountable we, as women, are for how MEN not only perceive, but ACT around and toward us. Some responses talked about growing up, like me, in a conservative family. Others mentioned high school uniforms (please, don't remind me of the wonderful (*insert sarcasm here*) Britney Spears-esque "Baby One More Time" kilt we had to wear at my Catholic high school). The discussion inevitably went to sexual harassment and who is responsible--women for dressing provocatively, or men for their actions? (--> rhetorical question)

Learning How to Dress...

As young children, we don't think too much  about what we wear. As we get a bit older, we fight our moms about what THEY wants us to wear--"No, mom, not a dress!" or "I want to wear polka dots with plaid--why not??"

As one of six kids, when I was young, I wore lots of hand-me-downs. I remember always being excited to get a "new" bag of clothes from my mom's friend's daughter who was just a little older than me. She had good style. There was this pair of pink overall shorts. I loved them! I didn't think about how long or short they were. They were pretty, and they were pink. Another favourite was a pair of plaid, flannel Minney Mouse pants. They were purple and pink, and oh so comfortable! (Looking back, they might have been pajama bottoms, which would explain why my mom suggested I wear something else to school!) The point is, my earliest memories of clothes are about feeling pretty and comfortable.

Pink Overalls!Source: http://www.belk.com/products/oshkosh-baby-clothes.jsp

Clothing: Finding an Identity

As I got older, I started to buy my own clothes. I remember getting into fights with my mom--not usually over everyday clothing choices since I wore a uniform in high school, but over what I wore to church. Especially in the summer. I struggled with how a teenage girl was supposed to dress. I decided that as a woman (I had hit puberty, after all), I was obliged to make my body look good in whatever I wanted to wear, so I took extreme measures to fit into the clothes that were cool. I stopped eating so that I'd look good in short shorts, teeny tank tops that showed my midriff, miniskirts...you know the line up. Of course, my mom was appalled when I insisted that I could wear these to church! (Looking back, I do admit that my clothes weren't quite "church" appropriate!) 

Short, short shorts
Source: hawaiifashionfiend.com

I wasn't happy, but I figured it was worth it since I looked good! I became the way the mom who wrote the letter I've linked above feared. I was buying into adult standards for beauty when I was still pretty young. These standards pushed me to accept a very narrow definition of what it means to be a woman. About what it means to be beautiful. I threw many, many things in my life away, and I sacrificed a lot in order to conform to this standard of beauty.

In grade 11, I was stalked on my way home from school over a period of a few months. One day I found him waiting in front of my house. When the police came, they found him doing some disturbing things. I had to give a statement, and he was banned from going anywhere near my house or any school for a period of five years. Did my uniform CAUSE me to be followed by this lowlife? The point is, I had no choice about wearing this uniform, but my mom said "if you didn't wear your kilt SO SHORT..." Sure, I could have worn it a little longer (but, truly, it wasn't that short), but I doubt that would have made a difference or stopped the creep.

How we were supposed to wear the kilt (at least 3 cm above the knee):

My infamous high school kilt
Source: http://www.rjmccarthy.com/estore/eStore_2.aspx

How most of us actually wore it:

Source: http://a3.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/124/5b984110681343c28f7debed72ac735b/m.jpg

Adulthood: Questioning the Meaning of Clothing

After that incident, I always figured that I was entirely responsible for how I dressed. If I got negative attention from men, it was my fault for dressing so provocatively. As an adult, I've learned that the way I dress is only one side of the story. Men do have control over their reactions, and they can and will give women attention (whether it's sought or not)...regardless of how modestly we might dress.

There is one day, just before my wedding two years ago, that stands out so vividly in my mind. Looking back, it was a pretty ordinary afternoon, and a pretty ordinary experience. I was walking home from a friend`s house in London, Ontario (notorious for “Western Girls” at UWO who dress, let's just say, in their own 'unique' way). I am by no means making any judgment. They're young, they're enjoying life, they're finding their own identities and deciding what is 'beautiful'for them as young 17-20 something year olds. We all have to go through this search for our identities.

Source:  sebreg.deviantart.com

On this particular May afternoon, I was walking home from a friend's house along a main street. Within a five minute time span, no less than two cars had slowed down so that the guys inside could whistle and make cat calls. I was so puzzled. They were clearly directing this attention toward me. But why? I wasn't wearing short shorts or a mini skirt. I wasn't showing my legs or even my arms. I was wearing a loose-fitting dress that fell below my knees, and a cardigan over top. And just like that, at that moment, it began to make sense to me. While what we wear may be part of why guys respond a certain way to women, it is NOT--by any means--the only reason for their actions, cat calls, whistles, etc. If I had been wearing short shorts and a low-cut tank top, I guarantee I would have received the same reactions on that warm May afternoon.

A Cultural Context for Clothing
Living in Saudi Arabia has clarified even more about how the way women dress influences how men respond to women. I have been shocked at how men behave EVEN WHEN WOMEN ARE literally COVERED FROM HEAD TO TOE. One day, I decided to go for a nice evening walk when the weather wasn't too hot at a walking area here in Jeddah. My husband waited in the car and I was enjoying myself and the evening breeze. I was wearing my abaya (long black cloak that covers the whole body), a headscarf (according to local laws I have to cover. Fine. I knew that when I moved here and I cover willingly as a sign of respect for the culture). I was also COVERING MY FACE just to be sure I wasn't going to attract too much attention. (NB: I am the only white woman I've ever seen in my neighbourhood, and every other woman covers her face, so I wanted to blend in when I was alone outside.) After about 20 minutes, 2 cars had honked at me. Another had made a cat call. What??? ALL YOU COULD SEE WERE MY EYES!!!! After 30 minutes, a guy was walking right behind me, trying to chat me up. I was shocked. Was the design on my abaya too attractive? No! I had to stop thinking this way. It was suddenly clear that the cat calls and the chatting up were, at least in this context, not about me. It was about men.

Walking Area in Jeddah

Although we, of course, have to account for cultural norms, this experience has really clarified things for me. I think my analysis is relevant to Western culture, too. No matter what women choose to wear, there are womanizing guys. There are guys who will make cat calls. There are guys who have only one thing in mind when they see a woman. And what I wear--whether it's a bikini at the beach, or an abaya and niqab (face covering) on the street---does NOT change the guys who already think that way. Sure, there will always be some exceptions, and how women dress DOES have power--WE, ladies, have a lot of power over men-- but how women dress is NOT the be all and end all, NOR is it an excuse or justification for rape, abuse, or sexual harassment in any form. 

Integrating this Realization...
As I prepare for my move back to Canada (I fly out in less than a month on July 12th!), I'm mulling over all these ideas. I'm not sure how I'll be comfortable dressing now that I've been in a conservative country for two years. I'm not used to being around men. I work in an all-female environment and rarely come into contact with guys apart from drivers and, of course, DH.

I've learned that even though some men may be rude, others respect me. Despite the story I shared about my walk in Jeddah, I can honestly say that in other contexts, men here can be very respectful, polite, and dignified. In my apartment building, any time I come in and a man is waiting for the elevator, he moves away and lowers his gaze. I've always felt very comfortable in my building and most places that I go.

Ladies Only
Source: http://www.alarabiya.net/articles/2009/12/09/93705.html

Although I've mentioned that I really don't believe my clothes will strongly influence how men act around me, I'm still curious about how this observation will hold up in Toronto. Ladies, I don't know if you can relate, but every single time--without exception--that I've moved into a new place on my own in Canada, the cable / internet hook up guy has been appallingly unprofessional. When I was moving into my apartment in London, Ontario, the cable guy did his work and then proceeded to give me his number. When I had my internet installed in Toronto before that, the guy kept staring at me, and made excuses to stay longer than he had to. I asked DH yesterday if maybe covering my hair when the internet guy comes this summer would be a good idea. "Maybe," he replied, "but going into the kitchen and chopping vegetables with a big, loud knife might be more effective." LOL

The cable guy... a little too friendly?
Source: www.cablesonsale.ca

On a more serious note, after living in a conservative environment, I can't imagine wearing revealing clothes in public again, to be honest. I don't want to! They're not comfortable, and even if I might look good in them, I'm beginning to think differently about my body and how I show it. That's my choice, and I respect whatever choice you make about how you dress! My philosophy? To go back to my childhood dressing criteria: what makes me feel pretty and comfortable?!

At the end of the day, we have to teach men how to treat us. Our attitude, the way we carry ourselves, and, as part of this package, the way we dress, can be some of the many tools we use to convey this. And we must insist--over and over again--how we, dignified, self-respecting women, deserve to be treated. It is only then that, if we're lucky, men will step up to the challenge.

How we all deserve to be treated!
Source: guyism.com